Manners & Discipline

This month’s Parents Magazine had a good article on the 25 most important manners that a kid should have – I would argue that a lot of adults need to look at this list and make sure they use these manners as well. Anyone who knows me knows that I’m pretty big on manners, and intend to instill good manners and discipline in Nicholas (and any future children that we have).

So this blog post is a way for me to put “pen to paper,” so to speak, about how Scott and I want to raise Nicholas. I think it’s vital for parents to be on the same page as far as discipline goes, and Scott and I agreed on how we would raise and discipline our children long before I was ever pregnant. One of the most important things that we agreed on was that we want to raise our children to become useful, productive members of society. To do this, we feel that kids should be raised with approximately the same rules that they will have as adults. Let me explain by first venting my frustrations with current trends in non-parenting.

One of my biggest issues is parents who refuse to actually parent their children. By this I am referring to parents who refuse to discipline their kids – and by “discipline,” I don’t mean spanking and yelling (how you choose to discipline is your decision). By “discipline,” I mean “to institute rules and boundaries for how your children should behave.” I personally don’t understand the decision not to discipline. Is it because you’re afraid your kids won’t love you if you discipline them? Is it because you want to be your kids’ friends instead of their parents? Is it because you want to be thought of as the cool, chill parents, instead of as strict and uncool? I believe that kids thrive when they’re given boundaries and rules to follow. It helps them understand what they can and can’t do, and what they can or can’t expect from certain situations.

And to raise your kids without any rules or discipline is to set them up for a world of disappointment (or jail time). Rules exist in our society – that is a fact! When they go to school, there are rules: when to show up for class, how to dress, how to address their teachers, etc. When they learn to drive, there are rules they have to follow: observing the speed limit, wearing a seatbelt, using a blinker, etc. And there are these small little things called LAWS, which, if violated, will subject them to civil and/or criminal liability. So why shouldn’t rules exist at home? If kids don’t observe rules and respect their elders in the home, they will grow up thinking that other rules and laws don’t apply to them, and voilá, you end up with your own personal version of Lindsey Lohan.

So back to my personal philosophy on parenting. Our goal is to raise Nicholas with the same basic rules that he will face as an adult. So if he’s not allowed to pick his nose as an adult, we’ll try to keep him from picking his nose as a child. If he’s not allowed to climb or jump on furniture as an adult, he won’t be allowed to as a child either. I don’t mean to sound like we’re going to be super strict or that we’ll keep him from enjoying the fun of childhood. We just want to have rules that he has to follow and guidelines for how to behave, both in our home, and in other people’s homes.

In that vein, we want Nicholas to respect other people’s rules as well. I was raised to respect my elders, whether they were my parents, my grandparents, my teachers, my friend’s parents, etc. So when I went to my friends’ houses, I understood that I had to follow their parents’ rules. I am frustrated with how few parents seem to teach this to their kids these days. If your kids come to my house, I expect them to follow my rules. If I don’t let Nicholas jump on the furniture or throw things in the house, then when your kids are in my house, they won’t be allowed to jump on the furniture or throw things, even if you allow them to do this in your house. Is this really such a hard concept to understand?

And I’m sure my parents and Scott’s parents are laughing as they read this, because we intended to have stricter rules for Wingnut, which we promptly broke when we brought him home. But the fact is, if we fail to fully discipline Wingnut, there’s no risk that he’ll grow up to do drugs and knock up girls at 16. So we actually do intend to stick to this plan when it comes to Nicholas!